tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51100822011-04-21T22:37:25.695-05:00The Ralphus Jones ExperienceMercifully Free from the Ravages of IntelligenceRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.comBlogger511100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1141228920154609752006-03-01T09:56:00.000-06:002006-03-01T10:02:00.156-06:00the lines on the sun have been drawnthey burn my face like griddle marksnever thought it would be like thisthe way i feelthis one is specialbeen looking for a long timeand this one was right under my nosemakes you wonder if maybe that sundid not ruin my sense of smellthe sun must dieRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1135285396788487562005-12-22T14:59:00.000-06:002005-12-22T15:05:20.173-06:00stains on the wall mean nothingexcept that the roof may be leakinglines on your soul mean nothingexcept that your heart may be leakingcan only shower you with so muchsooner or later your heart will hold no moremy heart never could hold anythingshut it off a long time agodon't feel like turning it back onhope you understand thatRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1127234208012655252005-09-20T11:36:00.000-05:002005-09-20T11:36:48.016-05:00A tiny green worm named Wilbur was born one day. Wilbur was a tomato worm, but he didn't know what a tomato was, so he asked Marcus the Butterfly. "Excuse me" Wilbur said. "Do you know what a tomato is and where I can find one?" The butterfly answered "Well, you see I'm a butterfly, and I've been looking for some damn butter all day" After looking at the butterfly for several minutes, Wilbur Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1126293982874259652005-09-09T14:19:00.000-05:002005-09-09T14:26:41.516-05:00Coloring the skies ahead with a crayonUnable to stay within the linesLooks better when drawn sloppy and jaggedRealizing mistakes and moving onTurning back to learn from past drawingsBig waste of timeRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1126199905321081882005-09-08T12:11:00.000-05:002005-09-08T12:18:25.326-05:00instead of wasting my time waiting for youI'll just sit by myself and drink for twoleaves fall to the ground, sky will turn blackand the hairs on my head will fall to my backbut I'll be happy just the sameknowing that someday we'll both play the gameand then instead of sitting around crying for youI'll just sit by myself and drink for twoRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1124896070381976682005-08-24T10:03:00.000-05:002005-08-24T10:09:02.366-05:00For but a simple gold coinI'd sell my soul to youFor but a simple kissI'd sell my soul to youIn all the wide worldfrom this day to thatnever have I seena beauty such as yoursonly in passingnever were words spokenand never will they beI'd sell my soul to youRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1099340131024962572004-11-01T14:08:00.000-06:002004-11-01T14:18:17.463-06:00I'm tired of being the nice guy
why can't I be the bad boy?
I'll kick your ass for looking at me wrong
no I won't, I'll apologize to you
I'll take your girl and make a woman out of her
actually, I'll listen to her when you're being an asshole
what can I do?
spineless or genuinely nice?
you make the call!
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1097978201964806772004-10-16T20:49:00.000-05:002004-10-16T20:57:30.943-05:00simple things in life
on a cold windy grey day
like time spent with loved ones
in company of things not so loved
a baby opening it's eyes
seeing the pink skies
a break in the bleak
at the end of the week
thank you
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1097718837169695502004-10-13T20:49:00.000-05:002004-10-13T20:56:16.560-05:00eyes of an eagle
silk threads wave in the air
outside light peaks through the shade
playing the bongos on my face
please let the moon in
nothing left for me to see
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1095865433983852532004-09-22T10:03:00.000-05:002004-09-22T10:03:53.983-05:00I'm drinking all my troubles away...
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1095173908120584372004-09-14T09:54:00.000-05:002004-09-14T09:58:28.120-05:00I can see the other side
The walls are caving in
words are distorted truths
man is caught on the spindle
cooking like a rotten hog
waiting for the vein to break
for the blood to rush in
drown the brain in pig grease
and feed the bums for weeks
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1095089498275832652004-09-13T10:17:00.000-05:002004-09-13T10:31:38.276-05:00I hate spiders. They freak me out, and I'm man enough to admit my fear of most things with more than 4 legs. I usually kill them. No mercy!
I went away for the weekend, and didn't drive the Jeep for 2 days. When I went to climb in to go to work this morning, there was a huge spider web reaching from the bottom of the side mirror, onto the door and then to the ground. In 2 days, this industrious Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1094847869513787352004-09-10T15:22:00.000-05:002004-10-13T20:57:06.113-05:00Where did Slick go?
I cannot see his head.
The way his hair slides
off to one side.
Why did Slick go?
Was he mad?
Did I call him a
stupid old bastard
one to many times?
Fuck You Slick
Stupid Old Bastard
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1094844841960877972004-09-10T14:30:00.000-05:002004-09-10T14:34:01.960-05:00There's a war on the inside of my eyelids
Colorful armies try to exterminate life
Large carpet bombs and cannon fire
It's a bloody war that will never be won
But it's still better than opening my eyes
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1078782159732093072004-03-08T15:42:00.000-06:002004-03-08T15:45:41.670-06:00howdy howdy howdy
cracks on the wall
are opening their mouths
waiting for a taste of
the new world
hope its better than the new cokeRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1072199591326108492003-12-23T11:13:00.000-06:002003-12-23T11:17:23.840-06:00Ha ha ha.....I smell fire
Could it be Santa?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
Or could it be that the Cat
has knocked over the tree?
oh shit, the house is on fire.
I guess that explains the smell
Goodnight! and Merry X-Mas!Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1071207046038748152003-12-11T23:30:00.000-06:002003-12-12T09:56:30.750-06:00Someday I wanna live in a lil' mushroom village
Where all my asexual blue friends and I
Are the Cause and Solution to
All of my asexual blue lil' problems
I swear to Smurfin God that if I
Ever see that damn cat again
I'll rip his smurfin nuts off
And piss down the smurfin' hole I leave
G'NOPRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1070997869581665252003-12-09T13:24:00.000-06:002003-12-09T13:25:32.436-06:00On a Sunday Morning Sidewalk...
I'm wishin Lord, that I was stoned...Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1070997803017302362003-12-09T13:23:00.000-06:002003-12-09T13:24:25.890-06:00My eyes are slanty and wide
for I see the coming of the
strange bearded man.
If I were a sailor, I'd run
If I were a peanut, I'd plow
my way through the barrier
that has held back my people
for 3 years now.
By my people, I mean the
Green Plastic Grave Diggers.Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1070292897348611432003-12-01T09:34:00.000-06:002003-12-01T09:36:26.233-06:00What do you say to an old friend?
What can you say to an old friend?
He had the worst mullet I have seen
in quite some time.
Short and flat on the top, notches cut out
of the side and permed and curly on the backside.I would almost go as far as to say it was a "Sweet Ass Mullet©"Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1067965051021687502003-11-04T10:57:00.000-06:002003-11-04T10:57:46.403-06:00even the most simple of folk
can see that he's not all there
they dance and they throw things
and he screams and pulls out his hair
don't make him mad says the wiseman
can't you see that the man's not all there?
and the people go home feeling sorry
for tomorrow they'll start all over
and the man will get mad and get angry
and throw his fists like stars in the sky
and he'll make those people feel Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1067964572372119912003-11-04T10:49:00.000-06:002003-11-04T10:49:47.856-06:00There are people in here.
I see them moving things.
singing and dancing.
like flys on a bug zapper.
why do they call my name?
why do I listen?
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1065815896515307772003-10-10T14:58:00.000-05:002003-10-10T14:58:15.866-05:00the six legged cow will steal your soul
skeletons hugging the ladies man
the truth hurts in the game
baby swims at birth
warm pants
whatRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-1065815626679895342003-10-10T14:53:00.000-05:002003-10-10T14:53:46.086-05:00::LOVE::
Love is like a drug to me.
I'll use it on the weekends
and when I need to get away
But I'm always careful not
to become addicted to it
because it will ruin your life.Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-956548722003-06-14T01:47:00.000-05:002003-06-16T15:07:47.000-05:00There they go.
Out of the corner of my eye.
the shadow gnomes.
I'm not exactly sure what purpose they have.
Do they protect me?
Do they want to drink my blood?
I lay awake at night.
They giggle and run across the room.
I am powerless against them.
The room is spinning.
If I catch one of those fuckers,
They'll pay for it with their hide.Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-947028712003-05-21T15:42:00.000-05:002003-05-21T15:42:28.726-05:00Well, now here's something I hadn't considered. Apparently, they have this new law that says that burning tires is illegal. They are my tires and nobody can tell me that I can't burn them. I bought those at the farm auction just for the purpose of burning. I find that it helps me breathe in the hay fever season when there are so many pollutants in the air. I think maybe my rat fink neighbor may Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-947026702003-05-21T15:37:00.000-05:002003-05-21T15:37:33.183-05:00Ahhh....The Smell of Bleach
Nothing is finer
Whether it's spring cleaning time or
Scrubbing those pesky blood stains
off of the basement floor.
Hooray for Bleach!!!!Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-945883022003-05-19T11:59:00.000-05:002003-05-19T11:59:12.843-05:00Rainy Days and Mondays always make me homicidal...Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-945879902003-05-19T11:52:00.000-05:002003-05-19T11:53:33.000-05:00I wonder, given the fact that I hate everything, if I would like to be an airplane. Certainly would get me to where I am going. Though more often than not, I really don't know where that is. With wings, I could fly all around the world looking down upon those that walk the earth. Soar to the tops of mountains or plunge into the sea. I would be free. I would be me...Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-942665482003-05-13T09:37:00.000-05:002003-05-13T09:37:46.486-05:00the walls are alive with passion
dripping with the texture of love
once i saw through the mask
i knew there was no turning back
you asked me why
i told you because
and now every single thing
has made me afraid of life
i can't do it
I won't do it
you know it's there
it's stronger than you and i
could ever have imagined
it has you
give in to it
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-941649602003-05-11T16:18:00.000-05:002003-05-11T16:18:27.220-05:00For the past five years, I've remembered every word you've spoken...
Listened in anticipation as you smiled and told your tales...
Thought about you as I lay awake with wide eyes...
It's a sad reality that conversation is a one way street...
Nothing I've ever said has made one bit of difference in your life...
Thank You for showing me what I already knew...
A life alone...Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-928630472003-04-18T18:50:00.000-05:002003-04-18T18:50:55.326-05:00It has been a while. I must make a mental note to update and post more often. I wouldn't want to get another nasty e-mail from my best and only reader...ME! But I could really give two shits about that asshole. It is true that he bombs villages of women and children for mere amusement? Is he not repsponsible for the death and dismemberment of an entire swarm of Polish GnatFlys? Isn't this the Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-928628682003-04-18T18:45:00.000-05:002003-04-18T18:45:24.716-05:00JOLIET(AP) - Mass hysteria, riots, and several homicides were the flavor of
the day here in Joliet on Good Friday. A day that could be considered, not
so Good because the local Miller distributor decided to take the day off. "I
just went into Osco to get some baby aspirin and these crazy people started
to throw empty beer cans at my head" said one local customer.
Need I futher explain?
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-913115582003-03-24T18:25:00.000-06:002003-03-24T18:25:27.420-06:00Sometimes, things are not as they seem
Fire in what once was sacred.
Ice in what was once true.
Perfection in what was once thought unattainable.
Beauty in everything.
Incredible that what I once thought
Was impossible, is really a dream.
Weird vibrations in my mind.
Telling me that again the Moon has
Struck the 3’O Clock hour
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-913027972003-03-24T15:43:00.000-06:002003-03-24T15:43:12.873-06:00Curse You!! Juan Valdez
My brain has slowed to a slow maple syrup speed. I'm not even sure if my heart is still beating, and I have no energy to sit up in my chair. They should put warning labels on coffee mugs to warn about the affects of detoxification. What seemed like a promising morning is now just a haze. My eyelids are closing at a very rapid rate. It won't be long before I collapse and Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-912910812003-03-24T12:06:00.000-06:002003-03-24T12:06:10.483-06:00Man, this coffee shit is almost better than really cheap drugs. I can feel the blood pumping in the veins in my head through my skin wearing an oven mitt. I feel light headed, euphoric, and nautious. This is great! Why work? Hell, I can't possibly work. I have many strange dots and snake like creatures affecting my vision. As I type this, some sort of greenish snake is following my hands around Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-911994322003-03-22T17:40:00.000-06:002003-03-22T17:40:21.076-06:00Banana Bread in my head
lying in my spinning bed
pulsating dots of blue and red
holy shit I think I'm dead
maybe I'll see uncle jed
got the fryin chair for killin ned
went to jail and he said
in my ass none shall treadRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-911992722003-03-22T17:35:00.000-06:002003-03-22T17:35:59.810-06:00Well then. I guess I'm not totally familiar with the laws of your planet. Nobody told me that it was illegal to tape my scrotum to my stomach and walk around the neighborhood with an "I am with Stuipid" half shirt on. Now that I know the proper etiquette on these types of matters, I will make every possible attempt to not get caught doing them.Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-911985492003-03-22T17:16:00.000-06:002003-03-22T17:16:00.246-06:00If I was running this war, I would send in the Blue Angels Stunt Flying Team. Flying over Baghdad doing arial acrobatics to the hard rocking sounds of "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions. Tell me that wouldn't freak out the Iraqis and cause them to surrender.Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-907300102003-03-14T15:10:00.000-06:002003-03-14T15:10:00.043-06:00If I could be any kind of animal
I would want to be a couch
People could sit on me
And I could keep all the loose
change that falls from their pockets
Or maybe I would be a Corvette
Nah, I don't like mullets...Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-907298682003-03-14T15:07:00.000-06:002003-03-14T15:07:27.123-06:00Things to do list:
1. Live
2. DieRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-904990372003-03-10T21:47:00.000-06:002003-03-10T21:47:23.420-06:00Green Fireballs
That's what I see
coming at me
in the dark
If only I had a
shield to protect
my precious
hand cream
you bastards
will pay with
your life
or a jar of olivesRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-904612152003-03-10T09:50:00.000-06:002003-03-10T09:50:45.606-06:00Why, Oh Why Lord...Do I always love the wrong people for the right reasons?Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-904610682003-03-10T09:47:00.000-06:002003-03-10T09:47:55.996-06:00It used to be that when I needed answers about life's little quirks and problems, I would consult the movie Total Recall. Arnold would help me through the tough times with sage-like advice. Now, it seems, as I evolve as a human being my needs have grown. Total Recall no longer provides me with the spiritual network to massage my ego and get me straight, when I am emotionaly shitfaced. But worry Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-901285692003-03-04T13:57:00.000-06:002003-03-04T13:57:35.436-06:00Fuck You Number Quiz!!!!!
I am not lonely, I have like a lot of things that....
assholeRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-901285022003-03-04T13:56:00.000-06:002003-03-24T17:47:32.000-06:00I am the number1I am the loneliest number_what number are you?this quiz by orsa
Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-900644532003-03-03T13:28:00.000-06:002003-03-03T13:28:51.653-06:00Like Joey Ramone says....
"Like a Drug I Never Did Before"Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-900639162003-03-03T13:16:00.000-06:002003-03-03T13:16:39.200-06:00Holy Flying Fuck!!!
Head pounding, high fever, tired, the smell of something as simple oatmeal makes me want to rip my stomach out and strangle the next person I see with my innards.
Alright, I suppose everybody swears off drinking after a bad "episode" I've had many, many episodes in my lifetime. Sleeping on the side of a country highway with cars whizzing by my head at speed, shitting on a Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-899109282003-02-28T11:30:00.000-06:002003-02-28T11:30:51.670-06:00Now, I know you're not supposed to beat people about the head and neck because it's wrong or some shit like that, but is it acceptable to trip them and push them down a large flight of jagged metal stairs? These rules need to written down someplace so that they are more accessible. I don't know how many times I had them come up in real situations, not just in my demented fantasies where red Ralphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-898549672003-02-27T13:43:00.000-06:002003-02-28T11:19:02.000-06:00I want to be free
naked as a bird
eating worms &
spitting the regurgitated
knowledge of nothing
back into the minds
of those who will
fall when I become
ruler of myselfRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5110082.post-898546482003-02-27T13:37:00.000-06:002003-02-27T13:37:38.450-06:00If there be
A thing more beautiful
than a red hat
or a beer
for which to quench
my thirst
I would surely
like to knowRalphushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15750437745324992547noreply@blogger.com0